Gone But Not Forgotten
by worldcrabination
Summary: A reflection of Magnus' life and his relationship with Alec. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. Started as a one-shot, but while it remains as "Complete," I will be adding more related one-shots.
1. Don't forget about me

Shadowhunter's never did have long lives. They, more often than not, were killed heroically at an early age in battle. That was the way a shadowhunter would want to go out. They would want their death to have a purpose. Shadowhunter's want to die for _something, _and for many, it wasn't even something they feared.

Magnus knew this. After over 800 years of watching nephilim after nephilim be killed too soon in battle, Magnus knew this better than most. It was one of the reasons why he avoided becoming too close with shadowhunters. It always seemed like the second he got too invested in their lives, mortality stole them away from him.

And contrary to popular belief, each time didn't get easier. The first time it happened hurt just as much as the last, and the only thing that changed was Magnus' ability to hide his pain. Over the many years he's learned to hold it in, tricking not only others into thinking he's ok, but himself as well.

You would think that at a certain point it's easy to forget. It should be easy to forget people and events that took place hundreds of years in the past. He should be able to replace all the memories with new ones, better ones, ones that didn't carry so much heartache with them. However all Magnus could do was push the old memories to the back of his mind and make room for new ones. The old were always still there, whispering warnings that he ignored every time, and regretted ignoring every time as well.

Magnus was able to make it through so many deaths in his lifetime by knowing that he could find someone else. He'd be able to find someone either just like the one he lost, or better. He didn't care if it would weeks or months or even years to find them because he had all the time in the world to find someone that was worth spending his time with. Someone else who was worth the inevitable grief.

One thing that Magnus thought would help was to constantly remind himself that this wouldn't be the last person he felt so strongly for. He often had that thought at the front of his mind the second he met anyone he could potentially see himself liking more than others. It helped him remember that it was worth living even after they were gone.

This wasn't the case with Alec Lightwood, his sweet Alexander. The second Magnus saw him he was drawn in by his lovely combination of blue eyes and raven hair. His personality was what kept bringing Magnus back.

Alec was selfless, often never even considering himself in the case of helping and protecting others. He was strong willed, determined, and never backed down, all the components of a great shadowhunter.

But he was also reserved, so used to having to hide the way that he felt. Magnus loved to watch as one by one Alec's walls came down, and he was able to see Alexander the person rather than Alexander the shadowhunter. Alec was always so easily embarrassed, with even the slightest touch or comment from Magnus bringing a dark blush to his cheeks. Magnus found it endearing each and every time. At times, Alec even had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor, though it could never compare to that of his adoptive brother.

Magnus grew close to Alec's siblings and their loved ones, but not too attached. He and Jace often went off on insulting sprees with one another, though they both knew deep down that it was always in good spirit. He felt closest with Isabelle, who he had both serious conversations with as well as more lighthearted ones about fashion. Clary was the only child Magnus had ever been able to observe growing up, and he continued to do so gladly, enjoying her company as well. Simon, however, he did not learn too much about, but that's ok; he has all the time in the world to learn about him.

Though the one thing that made Magnus' relationship with Alec different than all of his past ones wasn't even completely based on who Alec was or whom he associated with. What made him different was the way Magnus thought while with him. Magnus could never bear to think about a life without Alec. Throughout their entire relationship, Magnus never told himself that once Alec was gone everything would be okay, because he knew it wasn't true. Magnus knew that even with the ability to live forever, there would never be a single person in the world that compared to Alec.

This mentality was the reason Magnus was so protective of Alec. Call him selfish, but he just couldn't let his one _true _lovebe taken from him too soon. He followed him in to every battle, and while Alec was too busy worrying about others, Magnus was too busy worrying about him. He'd do anything and use any amount of magic to lengthen Alec's life because when you're immortal, any limited amount of time spent with the one you love is far too short.

One particular battle, only 6 short years after the day Magnus laid eyes on the most beautiful man he'd ever met was one that haunted him everyday. It was most definitely the largest war he'd ever seen; it seemed as if every demon from Hell was in attendance, as well as every Downworlder and Shadowhunter to fight them off.

Magnus spent the entire time by Alec's side, letting nothing separate him from his lover. He knew that while he was doing everything to protect Alec, Alec was also doing the same for him. They watched each other's backs, killing anything that came too close. Without even having to say the words they communicated their love, knowing that in such a battle they could easily lose the chance to ever say them again.

As Magnus felt the magic draining from his body he didn't care for his own safety. As his limbs grew heavy in weakness and his powers lacked the punch, not once did he worry for himself. All he could think about was Alec. Get Alec somewhere safe. Take him and run away, take him and hide where he's never be found, where he'd never be in danger again.

Magnus had no time to do any of that before he heard the most heart shattering sound, a sound that would repeat over and over in his worst nightmares: Alec's scream. A scream that immediately caused Magnus' heart to drop into his stomach, a scream that let him know something was dreadfully wrong before he even turned around.

And when he did turn around every ounce of hope that he had in everything being okay was gone.

Right before his eyes Alec had collapsed to the floor while clutching his stomach, and suddenly Magnus' world stopped. If the battle was still going on, then he couldn't tell, because the only think he could focus on was Alec.

The most despair Magnus had ever felt was when he fell to his knees next to Alec, pressing his fingertips to his body only to see that nothing was happening. He felt the most self-hatred when he lifted his hands, willing himself to emit some sort of magic only to see a single spark of blue and then nothing. He never screamed as loud as he did for help and then out of frustration when none came.

Magnus never cried as hard as he did when he pulled Alec into his arms, sobbing his name over and over again. He cried as he placed desperate kisses all over Alec's face, pleading for him to be okay.

And when those blue, beautiful orbs just barely fluttered open, it took everything inside of Magnus to keep himself from falling apart even more. He took Alec's face gently into his hands, telling him over and over how sorry he was. He was sorry for not being able to save him, no matter how many times he had promised he would. He was sorry for allowing himself to use up all his magic when he _knew _he should have saved some just in case of this.

After Magnus' apologies, the only words he could form were ones of love. He poured his heart out to Alec, who was just barely holding on. Magnus knew that he would have never stopped talking if it weren't for the gentle finger placed on his lips.

He abruptly stopped and stared down in agony at Alec, who whispered his final words to Magnus. Though they were only four simple words, they meant so much more. They conveyed the love he had for Magnus. They showed how much Alec really understood what his death would do to Magnus. But more than anything they expressed fear in being replaced.

_Don't forget about me._

The last words were as selfless as everything else Alec had done in his life. They didn't tell Magnus to never find someone else that could make him happy. They didn't tell him that he is obligated to remain in touch with his family members. They simply asked that Magnus would always remember him and the love and memories they shared.

_Don't forget about me._

The moment Alec finished the last word his eyes closed again, and with his last breath his body went limp. Magnus let out a choked sob and clutched the lifeless body close to his own. He shook with heavy sobs once again as he repeated his own set of words.

_Never. I'll never forget you. I love you, Alexander. I'll always love you._

When the battle was finally over, Jace, who had already felt what had happened, along with Isabelle found him in the same position, and together they cried. They cried for the loss of a brother, a best friend, and a soul mate.

As this generation grew old and passed, Magnus was left to grieve alone. He suffered through an eternity of heartache, never again finding someone that brought him happiness, to ensure one thing: Alexander Gideon Lightwood would never be forgotten.


	2. Your Voice

**I may continue adding more as I write them.. If anyone has any ideas of certain things Magnus can look back on, let me know! This chapter is Magnus' POV.**

There are such a wide variety of things that I can only hope to never forget. Forgetting would be dismissing. Dismissing would be losing, and I simply cannot bear to lose anything more.

I want to keep forever the memory of when our eyes first met; embarrassment had painted your cheeks in such a lively shade of red while your eyes sparkled, reminding me of the night stars that shine onto a calm, blue ocean.

I fear that each time I picture you in my mind, a part of you is altered. The blush against your pale skin isn't intense enough. It should match the color of your soft lips but even those I can't seem to get right. Your hair isn't dark enough; it doesn't look silky enough. My mind just isn't capable of conjuring up the image of exactly how it was styled, if you could call it that. It's either too messy or too neat, never the way you wore it. And your eyes… Were they the color of a cloudless sky just moments after the sun had fully set? Or did they have the color of ice, yet all the warmth of a bonfire's flame?

Those aren't real questions I ever ask myself. I know that it would be impossible for me to _truly _forget the smallest things about your looks. I will always be able to recognize when the 'you' in my dreams is even slightly different than the 'you' in my reality used to be.

But we all have our worries, and one of mine is that someday, those questions will become a reality.

Even though I know that there will never be a camera in the world that could have captured your full beauty, every morning, night, and moment in between I find myself looking at pictures of you. They're faded and worn with age and use but I can't find it in me to care; those are the ones I look at everyday in order to breathe properly. They have the least amount of memories attached to them; I want to see your face, not break down more often than I already do. But I still have the other photos that have been taken of you, the ones that poke and pick at the scabs that cover my heart. However the time to look at or even think of those pictures are for different days.

While the pictures serve as a constant memory enhancer—one that I hope to never actually need—of your face, there is nothing that can refresh my mind on the sound of your voice.

For as long as I could I paid for your phone bill. You were the only person I ever called, even though you were the only one who was not around to answer.

I remember the first time I called you when you were gone. Jace had answered the phone. I know now that he believed he was doing the right thing; he thought I was trying to contact him, and that calling your phone was the only way I knew how. But at the time, when I was just so desperate to hear your voice again, and instead got Jace's, I lost it.

_One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four—"Magnus, hey… How have you been?"_

_Magnus remained silent. This wasn't what he wanted. This wasn't the voice that he _needed _to hear. The phone was supposed to ring four times and then go to voicemail; he should be listening to his Alexander's voice by now._

_"J-jace?" His voice cracked slightly, its only use for the past few days was to cry and scream in frustration, a frustration that was currently growing. "Jace?" Magnus repeated, though this time the name was growled instead of whispered._

After my initial surprise that someone had actually answered the phone, I used a few choice words that I've picked up along my life and made it very clear to Jace that he was never to answer your phone again. As stubborn as he has always been, he surprisingly put up less of a fight than I had imagined. He must have been as emotionally drained as I was.

So I tried again. I'd heard your voicemail so many times before you were gone. I knew exactly what you'd say, and I knew why you'd say it. I knew that you put those words into your voicemail because of the many times I called, solely for the purpose of letting me know how much I love you. So I should have been prepared for what I heard.

_Alec Lightwood, leave a message if it's important. If it's Jace or Iz, refrain from calling me another hundred times please? I'm not dead; I'll call you back. If it's Magnus… I love you too._

But I wasn't prepared. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or smile or scream. My heart didn't know whether to flutter, like it always did each time you made your love known, or to crack, because I knew I'd never get to hear those words in person again.

I would call you at least once a day after that. Eventually Jace just brought your phone to me, and that's when I began to pay for it. I couldn't let your familiar, loving voice be taken away from me. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle having that taken away from me again.

Of course things wouldn't be that easy, would they dear? Of course many, many years later, your cellphone company unexpectedly turned off your phone. Of course they went out of business, and of course they didn't warn me before ending it.

I'd lost your voice, and that's when it hit me the hardest. Suddenly so many emotions that just a simple voicemail of yours was able to keep contained came pouring out.

I'd never hear your voice again. I'd never hear you telling me you love me. I'd never hear your endearing stutter when you got embarrassed. I'd never hear you whisper words that felt so intimate just because you didn't want anyone else to hear. I'd never hear you complaining about my glitter getting all over you, or how long I took to get ready every day. I'd never hear you laugh, or moan, or hum like you did when you were happiest. I'd never hear you say my name, or speak in baby talk to the Chairman. I'd never hear your tired groans and raspy voice in the morning after nights spent together. I'd never hear what you would have sounded like, as you grew old.

I always hear your voice in my head, but how do I know I'm hearing it right? How do I know that the tone and pitch are right? How do I know I'm not hearing you talk faster, or slower, than you really did?

I don't. Unlike with your appearance, I don't have anything to remind me. The only thing I'm clutching onto is the fact that the voice in my head just sounds so right, so _you._

I'll be sad the day I realize, I have forgotten the sound of your voice.


End file.
